i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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