well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
