I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
