If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
