Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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