New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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