that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
