Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He better not be in your backpack
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
