I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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