in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
zippers are such a cool invention
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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