would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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