Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
