I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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