I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The air was thick with penises
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize