Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
