For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
