Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
