sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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