Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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