my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
