we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize