Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
