I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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