I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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