i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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