Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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