we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
