I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
