I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
