who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize