So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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