Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
