You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
sex in a hospital.. check
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Randomize
