I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
