Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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