His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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