im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is Oprah even human
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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