I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
