I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
