u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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