All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
