But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
