Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
