From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
