Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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