He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
