Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
