Porn is love you can see.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize