Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
