The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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