Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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