You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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