hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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