Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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