bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
