So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
