I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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