When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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