She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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